Hi, my Love ~
I hope you’re comfortable as you read this letter. I’m not sure what time it is where you are, but I think it might be a good idea for you to look through this at night, perhaps before you go to bed, so that you can really think about what I’m about to say. Our relationship has been going well. I am thoroughly enjoying our letters to each other, but last night I had a dream that, in my mind, urges me into a new space with you. You can also stop reading this right now if you like, because I’m going to be telling you something deeply sensual, and even sexual as well. If I’m going too far, please stop me and tell me to back-off. I will respect your wishes. Last night, in my dream, we were on a boat floating around some island in the middle of nowhere. It looked a little like one of the Thai islands; crystal-blue water, white sands, and the weather was warm, which kept both of us in our swimsuits. We decided we’d had enough of floating around, looking into the waters to the white sands below. Of course, there were loads of brightly-colored fish and all sorts of things to look at, but we wanted to lie down a bit and catch some sun; perhaps even close our eyes for a moment. We pulled our little red boat to the shore, then lay down under a palm tree on the sand. I placed my hand on your belly, as I lay on my stomach and you lay on your back. We closed our eyes for a minute then opened them to smile at each other. But, this time, as we looked at each other, we could not look away. I’m not sure if it was the warmth from the sand and the sun, or if it was the beauty we were surrounded by, but I began to move my hand up toward your breast. You took my hand and placed it on your face then said, “Come closer.” I did. I moved in closer to you, until our mouths were just centimeters apart. Before this we had never been intimate, much like we are now. All I wanted to do was kiss you. And so, I moved closer still until my lips touched yours. You closed your eyes and allowed me to leave my lips on yours, until the warmth that surrounded us began to grow inside of us as well. You lifted your hand and stroked my hair, then ran it over my shoulder and down my back. It felt – it felt so beautiful. Without a second thought I moved over you, and before we could say just one word, we began making love on the sand. It did not take long at all, but it felt like a lifetime. I held you afterwards; leaned over onto my back with you resting your body on mine, and we lay like that for about a half-hour. We never said anything, because the feelings we’d wanted to express all this time were finally out in the open. By the time we needed to get the boat back across the water, and to our house on the other side, we were so close that it was as though we were made of the same body. That night, we made dinner together, talking only softly when we wanted to, but the friendship was stronger; the bond was stronger than I had ever felt before. So, I woke-up with this feeling of warmth this morning (in real life), all because of my dream. Perhaps it sounds like something out of a movie, but even if it is I’d want to paly the role of me in it! And I’d only want you to be you. Is it too early to be having dreams like this about you? Am I treading on thin-ice, or breaking a friendship for feelings of intimacy that shouldn’t come so soon? I’ll understand if what I’ve said sounds a little weird, or might even offend you. I have no intention of overstepping the boundaries, if there are any place. But I would always want our relationship to include open communication, and if I try to hide this feeling from you, I think I’m only going to end-up a nervous wreck. So, yeah, that was my dream. It’s made me feel real good this morning – real good. But I do need your approval to think of you this way. I need to know if you’ve ever had a similar thought, or even a dream about me. I want you to know that you can think of me in this way; that you can tell me whatever it is you’re feeling. If I’m moving too fast, as I said just tell me to back-up. Those feelings can wait, if you want them to. If you don’t ever think our relationship could move into that, tell me this also – otherwise I might spend the next few weeks trying to hide what I truly feel, only to discover you’ve had me in the friend-zone because that’s where I belong. Will you tell me? Will you be honest with me? I think I may be falling in love with you, in a way I’ve not fallen in love with anyone before. This is good for me but also a little scary, because I don’t know how you’ll respond. I feel like a kid in high-school trying to put my arm around you and sneak in a kiss. Will you let me kiss you? Well, I’m going to sign-off on this note for now. If I never hear from you again, I’ll totally understand. If I do, I think I may be one of the happiest men alive. Thinking of you today, but only as my good friend until I hear some kind of confirmation from you that my love-making thoughts are not invasive in any way – I wouldn’t want them to be. Have a beautiful day. Do all you want, knowing that I’m loving you more now than I did at the start, and things can only get better between us with this much love. I look forward to your response, if you choose to respond. Your admirer and ‘hopefully’ future mate.
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Hey, Sunshine ~
Oh, thank goodness! For a moment I thought you were ignoring me. It’s okay, I know that emails can become tedious to get through, or even lost in the mail, and it’s true that sometimes I am out of range and I think my texts have gone through but they haven’t. But you’ve responded now and that’s all that matters. You were waiting like a young girl for my text? That just gives me the shivers; makes me feel like a high-school guy again – this is good! Actually I was thinking about the Movie, Grease, although I’m not really sure of which knucklehead I am from the gang! This is how personal connections are meant to make us feel, don’t you think? Lively and invigorated, happy, excited and looking forward to the future. Well, what I meant by spending my weekends alone is that I don’t need people around me all the time. As much as I like to be out with my mates, unless there’s plans I’ve committed to, I like being alone. Although, this could change soon, considering I’ve met you. After my divorce I didn’t really want to speak to too many people. The friends my ex and I had were mutual, meaning that by me visiting them separately, I felt I would have put them in a situation where they would feel awkward; who should they support – me or my wife, and we both have different versions regarding the cause of our divorce. So, I just greet those people when I see them, and the rest of the time I spend time contemplating life, reading, writing poetry on occasion, and sometimes I water the garden! At night I like to put on some music, keep my blinds open so that I can look over the mountainside alongside my home, and I just venture off into my imagination, which is a pretty awesome place to be – in my opinion! If I feel creative I’ll write a poem or might even attempt a pencil sketch. But, mostly, being a businessman, I need this time to clear my head and concentrate on my well-being. Often I wear my robe only (no restrictions around my body) and I get quite deep into music, especially instrumental pieces with no words. It’s my go-to when I really need to relax. I enjoy reading adult books; not dirty porn but suspense-type contemporary romance; there’s usually some wicked businessman curating a dirty deal and he falls in love, but the one he falls in love with is actually a spy from a competing firm – hah ha – that kind of thing. Books are better than movies, because with a book you can picture what’s happening in your own imagination. Funny, not long ago I got so involved in a book that I didn’t notice that a spark from my fireplace had spurted out onto my Flokati rug. If that thing sets on fire, I’d literally be toast. I’d forgotten to put the grid in-front of the fireplace. Anyhow, I caught it in time and not much noticeable damage was done to the rug, but the smell was something else so I lit a couple incense sticks and it was all good. I won’t do that again! Okay, I do agree it would be easier to speak with you on the phone. I do enjoy writing, which is why I write to you so often, but I do understand not many people are as open to tapping at keys as a way to talk, so yes – let’s arrange a time to talk, and soon after that a place to meet. As a note, I will be leaving for New York on Friday morning – an unexpected business trip that I need to attend. I also received an email from my aunt in Switzerland last night, telling me that my uncle (whom I’m very fond of) has fallen ill. He was like a father to me when I grew-up, and we still have a solid connection. So, in fear of him not recovering, I’ve made arrangements to travel to Switzerland next week to be with him. So, I may be late in responding to any messages you send, depending on when and if I have a connection, but I will always respond. After next week my schedule will be less complicated, and we can make an arrangement to meet somewhere nice for both of us. In the meantime, I’d be happy to jump on a call with you when you feel like it. I do agree that sometimes through letters we don’t always get the true feeling behind what the other is saying. Talking and hearing each other’s expressions through our voices is good, too – if not better! Okay, I’m going to end it off here, and look forward to hearing from you again (very much). Have a great day! Thinking of you, Hey, you ~
I don’t mind being called Micky. Most of my friends call me that, and I know it’s just an abbreviation with no deeper meaning, so – sure, Micky is fine. So, if your Mom said that ‘it’s none of your business’ why they had so many kids, forgive me but that would lead me to think (if I were you) that there was a reason but I’m not to know about it – otherwise they probably would have said, “Because we wanted a big family and we love kids!” Strange they would not want to tell you. Yes, that’s the word that suits everything – ‘content’. I’ve always been happiest when I have just the right amount of everything. I never wanted to be super-wealthy. I know that it does not matter how much money you have - if you don’t have your health, having all the money in the world means nothing; I mean, you can’t go on adventures if you’re ill – heck, you can’t even go to the store if you’re ill. Yes, you can go to a good doctor if you have the right money, but in many cases you end-up becoming a cash-cow to them; they take your money and give you the easiest diagnosis, then if that doesn’t work you go back and get another, paying them each time. A friend of mine had cancer – she died earlier this year, actually. The issue was, she’d gone to the doctor with the same complaints for two years, each time he gave her a mild diagnosis. After the second year, the pain became too much and she went to the hospital instead. They put scopes in her and discovered she was in stage four cancer already – she only lived another two months. Had they discovered it sooner, she could have been treated – two years the cancer grew and each time the doctor told her it was IBS and nothing more. It’s heart-breaking. Sorry, didn’t mean to bring up a topic like that, but my point is that, yes, being content is all I want to be. The money I have is because I worked for it, not because I was greedy or side-winded others to get it – I engineered a good product and it sold; lucky me! The Babylonians basically invented the system of time. It was a numerical system that saw the days divided by multiples of 60. It helped them to know when shipments needed to be delivered and things like that. So, time as we know it does not really exist in any other form other than numerical. Take away the numbers and all we have is night and day. It’s a helpful system, but it doesn’t really exist. It’s funny that you say your efforts in this life determine what happens to you in the next, until you reach a state of Nirvana. That’s kind of what I meant yesterday in my letter – we always have this ‘things will get better’ perception, even if we have to wait for the next life. Nirvana I suppose is like Heaven, but you can live Heaven on Earth – it’s all in how you perceive life. If you perceive all to be good it will be. If you perceive it to be full of turmoil and difficult it will be. So, basically, what I’m trying to do these days is tell myself that everything just ‘is’ – that there is no Heaven of Nirvana, or whatever name other cultures might call it; that if we can’t reach true happiness and contentment in this life, there is nothing to say we will reach it in our next, no matter what we sacrifice in this one, or how many struggles we put ourselves through. There’s ‘the carrot on a stick’ thing again, and I’m pretty sure ideologies like that were created to keep us acting on our best behaviour. While that’s fine – it’s good to always be on your best behaviour. I don’t like the idea of anyone or anything judging me. If it were so, I’d protest and say, “Hey, God, you didn’t provide a manual for life, so how was I to know what the ‘prefect’ behaviour is?” It would not be fair, in my view, to live a life always trying to be ‘good’ just so that you can get into Heaven. It makes no sense. Why not just be good now and you’ll see life can be pretty awesome without having to die and wait to enter the next. I really am getting to a point where I’m letting go of all beliefs to do with spirituality and penance and all that. I just want to be happy like an animal; watch out for predators, make sure I have food and water, and then find a mate – I’d be monogamous, for sure, like a Penguin – I guess! Really, I’m done with all these philosophies. All of them are based on ‘if you’re good you can have such-and-such’ in the future; always ‘in the future’, like a carrot on a stick, chasing that perfect ‘goodness’ in hope God will give us a pass. I’m tired of all that, to tell the truth. ‘Heal thyself, harm none’ is the only motto I want to live by now. Yes, intimacy is lot more than sex, of course. It’s in the talking as well, the soft whispers to each other; the caring acts of kindness, the putting yourself last so that others may get what they need. That’s what fathers do, or what they should do anyhow. I know I’m fine and that I have all I need, but when I give to others I feel good. I’ve not been touched in a while, besides the odd hug from old friends. I look forward to sharing affection with you. I look forward to holding you and stroking your hair as I kiss you on the top of your head. I look forward to holding hands as we walk along the beach, and to being with you – just knowing you’re there. Of course I think about sex once in a while, but I don’t have any feelings for it; it’s not something I fantasize about. I have some memories but that’s all they are. So, I don’t know how it will be if we ever get to that point; hopefully it will be beautiful, though. Funny, Bambi was one of my mother’s favourite movies. After she passed I watched it alone a few times; that and ‘Watership Down’. They’re both sad, I know, but they do remind me of how important it is to love those you’re with while they’re still with you. You say ‘warts and all’ – well, we could compare warts for fun, if you like! I’m smiling, too. I can be bull-headed and stubborn, but that was the old me. I think the new me just wants things to work out, and if there are other roads to happiness, I’m willing to explore them. I always thought there was only one way, but now I realise there are many. So, we can explore new roads together, and we’ll never think of each other as being ‘wrong’ – we would try out our ideas and if they work, so be it – if not, so be it, too – then we’ll find another way. So, yes, we will meet very soon and then we’ll know whether our ideas of each other were right. I’m pretty sure they are, from my side. I think your skin would be soft as silk; I think one touch would charge me and bring light into my blood and buoyancy in my breath – I think we would recharge each other, as we both need it at this stage in our lives. I so look forward to holding you, and I know you feel the same. Thinking of you, loving you. Good morning, my Queen and Love of my Life ~
Your letter has filled me to the brim today! Often I still wonder, in the back of my mind, if this is not all some kind of joke and I’m being taken for a fool – but seemingly it’s all very real, even to you. I sat with my coffee on the porch at 7.00am, as there seems to be a warm wind out, and I read your letter aloud so as to hear the words you’ve sent me. I must conclude that they were as warm as the winds, and that the Universe and nature must have called me outside today to not only read your letter but to feel the support from the Universe as the warmth from these winds. How great it is to be loved by you. I have a new wall-paper on my phone now. It is a Lotus flower. It symbolizes purity, rebirth and strength, and is featured in the artworks of a number of pre-Christian Era cultures. Their coloring is what strikes me most; the pink and purple shades that, to me, represent romance and sovereignty. Do you have Lotus flowers in your ponds in Hawaii? I think, if God had made a flower to represent your existence, it would be a Lotus. I thoroughly enjoy my talks with you on the phone. Dear Alexandra, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this all in my imagination, however. I have tried to channel my feelings through various mediums – through painting, writing, listening to music, being warm and calm on my sofa as I hear the rain fall gently on my roof, but the more we speak with one another, the more my deep desire for wanting to be with you becomes felt. I want to hold you, I want to kiss you, and I want to look at you from above as you lay back – to hold your head in my hands, smile and feel all you have to give me through touch. I want to whisper as we talk; to look in your eyes and see that I’m not only a picture of love in your mind and dreams, but that you’re willingly giving yourself to me in the physical as well. It’s becoming something that I can’t ignore. If I’m working or focused on a task - it’s okay – I can function still. But when things are still, the warm fire within me that wants to feel your body on mine; I can’t dim it – it’s only growing stronger. I am sure you have always had to do the loving, and it’s in your nature to do so. I did not know Leonard had an addiction. That must have been tough, especially if the substance was intoxicating enough to drive him from rational mind. At least he noted the love you gave, which not many addicts do. In my rational mind, you deserve so much love. I have it to give. Even though there is an age difference between us, and I’m sure your level of intuition surpasses my playful spontaneity at times, I know that you love me for who I am. I’ve not had to pretend to be anyone I’m not. I’ve not had to woo you with gifts and treasures – I have simply been myself and expressed my ideas – and you’re still here loving me! I must say that this is a first. In truth I did not know that anyone would ever find me where I’m at now. I have many sides to my being. I can be a clown, a philosopher, a poet, a painter, a businessman, a father, a friend - but I don’t think I’ve ever really been someone’s first choice. In the past I’ve been one of many. I’d feel like a chocolate on the candy-shelf at the store, alongside other equally delightful treats and snacks, hoping that someone would choose me over the rest for all I have to offer. You have. You have chosen me, too. It’s true that I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. I don’t feel this will ever end, so I have no fear of failure – neither do I feel the need to continue to serenade you with messages of love in order to attract you like a bird of paradise would. I am home with you now; there is nothing left for me to prove. And this is perhaps why I have reached the point where my chemistry is responding – it is charging me and urging me to make my way to you. I don’t believe it will end, either – I feel it can only be appeased by your touch. Can we do this? Can we reach the next level of our togetherness? Without knowing how it feels to hold you, I feel as though although I am wrapped warm in a feather duvet in-front of the fireplace, the chill from the snow on the ground still reaches my bones, and only you can warm them for me. Again - to laugh or cry, this old man does not know! As for karma – yes, I do understand this in its entirety. I know that it accumulates as well; that seldom do the actions we take or things we say come back to us for us to feel immediately – it can accumulate over time. So, for whatever good I have ever done in my life, I’m starting to think that you could be my karma, too, but that it would not be for only a single act of loving I’ve displayed in my past, but rather a ‘credit return’ for all these acts at one time. It is that overwhelming even through our written and verbal interactions, and to feel this in the physical – I’m not sure we would need a spacecraft to travel through the galaxy of beauty to which we would soar. I’m not sure if it’s you rescuing me or me rescuing you, but we are rescuing one another simultaneously – seemingly. My Love, I want to meet with you. Would it be rushing things, or could it be that now is the time for this next level of intimacy? I don’t know how or when or where, but if I’m to ignore this feeling any longer it may make me weak. Where once I was this charged to simply write to you, then speak with you on the phone – now my main desire is to hold you. Is this wrong of me, my Love? Is it wrong to want to hold you this much? No, I’m not kidding either, and I’m not simply saying this to spur a reaction from you. As much as my body needs water is as much as I want you in my arms. I’ll end this note now, and continue to work through my day as I wait for your response. Of course there’s no need to rush in your reply, but if you feel it’s time we met, please let me know. It can be done, and if I don’t – I’m not yet sure there is a way for me to appease this desire. I would if I had to, of course, but if it’s at all possible – can we try? Wishing you a stunning day, my Queen. Thinking of you, loving you, wanting you near. I love you always. Hey, Love ~
I hope you’re doing fine and that you had a good weekend. I’m doing good, and there’s a lot I need to get through this week. But before I get to that, I want to tell you about an experience I had yesterday, because I think it’s relevant to relationships; an area of life you and I are both exploring. I was at a restaurant and alongside me was a young couple who, at first, looked to be happy but after a while I noticed a frown begin to form on her face. I was not looking at her but she was sitting directly opposite me, and every time I looked up there she was. Her partner was next to her, so I could see him, too. I tried to mind my own business, but she began talking a little more loudly and, although she felt a little embarrassed about it, she could not seem to control what she was feeling. She kept leaning back in her chair, as though she was trying to avoid the situation or, at least, she did not believe the situation. He was trying to tell her about some plan for the future; mostly what I overheard was him talking about having kids. But he would laugh every now and again, to which she would frown. He’d then lean up to her with a smile and she would shy away, a little coy, but also seemingly untrusting of the situation. No matter how I tried to tune out, everything she said filtered through to me – I would’ve looked like a fool stuffing pieces of tissue in my ears. Anyway, what she was saying really opened my eyes. While her partner was trying to speak about a future together, she seemingly did not want to hear it. She began expressing cynicism, in the sense that she just didn’t see what he was saying. Every time he said something that, to me, sounded good she would comment back in the negative. He said, “We could get ourselves a place in San Francisco; a three bedroomed place, so that we’d have a nursery when our little one is born.” She replied by saying, “Yeah, because I’m going to crank out ten of them, so we should probably find a bunch of boxes to make beds for them,” then she’d laugh sarcastically. He then said, “We can paint the place turquoise blue, and if it’s a girl we can paint it pink.” She responded by saying, “You could just throw the colours together and make it purple! And I’ll paint it myself after a glass of wine, then we’ll really see all the colours come through!” And she’d laugh again. He began feeling despondent, but continued trying. This went on for around ten minutes, until he stood up and walked away. She sat there staring out the window, as though she’d forgotten she was in a restaurant at all. What I saw through it all was that he was trying to convince her of something that he felt would be great for them, but she did not want to believe any of it. Every time he said something that was good and hopeful, she would say something back that would diminish the attempt he’d made. I did not pry, and eventually had to get on with my day as well. I kind of felt for the guy; with his head in his hands, he was trying to basically tell her how much he loved her, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but she took it all as one big joke. I began to think of how similar this was to a scenario I found myself in once, with another two of my friends. We were at a barbeque with other friends. I was not with anyone at the time – I was alone but with them, if that makes sense. Anyhow, he was talking to her about how good she was at her job; that she would make it big someday. He began telling the person alongside him about how well she had done on a project that had seen her company profit almost double. I’m not sure exactly what her expression showed, but I interpreted it to be one of doubt and also a little embarrassment. She told him to stop, and said that she really had not done anything too great; anyone could have done it, and then she said she saw no way that she would ever be promoted because she was not that good at what she did. It sounded a little like Imposter Syndrome, now that I think of it. He ploughed right into her, telling her how she needs to believe in herself. She then told him that she did believe in herself, but there was more chance of her jumping from a plane without a parachute than there was of her getting promoted. Everything he said good about her, she just down-played it and would top it off with sarcasm. Then there was another time, when a different friend of mine with a similar future goal of travelling through Africa in a RV, asked the girl he’d been dating for almost two years if she wanted to take the journey with him. I remember her laugh, it was like a witch’s – she literally cackled. “Are you kidding me? You must be joking. You can’t be serious.” Then she began making jokes about it, too. He was a little confused – why was she making jokes about it? He then stepped away for a little while, and her friend began speaking to her about it, asking her what her problem was. She said she didn’t have a problem, but she was in no mood to get her hopes up about something that she knew was not going to happen – it was too good to be true. Her friend asked her why she didn’t believe it, why was she being so cynical. She said she wasn’t being cynical, that she was being realistic. Ah – that’s the word that cripples so many people in life. The idea of being ‘realistic’ over acceptance or even consideration for the possibility that life could be a huge adventure. What is ‘realistic’ anyway? What if I told you that I was going to pick you up and take you on a trip through Australia? What would you say? You’d laugh, right, and say it can’t possibly be true. And in doing so you’d develop a kind of sarcasm that would shield you from the feelings you would have if it was really a ‘realistic’ possibility. I totally understand how difficult it is believing in something that seems impossible. You think it could not possibly happen to you, and there are many reasons that you come up with as well, as to why it could never happen; you say that you simply don’t deserve something that wonderful happening to you, or you say that someone is teasing you or making fun of you, just to see your reaction. Or you think that even if it did work, your intentions are not in line with the possibility, in terms of your not deserving it, because you’re not feeling real love for the person who wants you to travel with them – you even put your own dreams and inner feelings aside when the possibility is presented, just so that you don’t get your hopes up and heart broken. You put every negative in-front of the positive, as a way to save yourself the embarrassment or the ‘You wish!’ that usually comes the moment you agree to what’s been suggested - you don’t want to become excited about it. Or, you pre-determine that it’s a trick, and you’ve done this for most of your life, and it becomes a loop that you can’t get out of; people have tricked you since you were a kid. Although it helps you and protects you, it also sends confusing signals to the one who does really want to do those things with you. They’re giving you their all, and you’re backing away in fear that what you’re getting from them is just not true, or it’s a trick – either way you just doubt it and make sarcastic jokes about it. I don’t think being cynical helps anyone too much, but I do understand how it helps the one being cynical; they place a shield in-front of themselves that keeps them safe in that little corner of their mind, while they think that they could never really be what another person wants or that they don’t deserve what’s being offered; that it must all be a joke. On the other hand you get people who think far too much of themselves, and they presume that they do deserve those things. However, in the back of their mind, they also think that maybe the Gods don’t think they do, or even their peers. They kind of pat themselves on the back personally, saying, “Yes, I do deserve that,” when in fact they don’t. And, yes, there are people who take too much from others – they believe the world owes them something. So, being cynical is a defence mechanism, sure – for those who are so used to being tricked and teased that anything that hints at their receiving what they deserve becomes a joke to them. Some people also believe that they don’t deserve those good things because they already have everything they need, and to ask for anything further would be selfish and greedy. So, throughout all of this confusion, the one who develops cynicism is either totally self-absorbed and arrogant, believing that they certainly do deserve what they would get, but in a sense of entitlement rather than as a gifted gesture, and through their presenting the expression that it’s a ‘stupid idea’ and ‘it could not possibly happen to them’, they avoid the embarrassment of being told, “You’re quite right, you arrogant bitch, you don’t deserve it – but it was really fun seeing you get all excited about it, then watching fall into a pit of despair when you realise it was all just a joke. At least you showed us just how big your ego is, and we now know you don’t deserve any of it.” Now, someone who believes in themselves would take this as advice, and they would learn to be a little more humble; perhaps submit once in a while to what their peers ask of them – learn that they do not have all the answers and that they are nowhere near as ‘good’ or worthy as that they think they are. But at what point does the individual who understands this about themselves begin to once again think that they might deserve something so good. Yes, they have accepted that they are too big for their boots; they have been put in their place and they no longer think so much of themselves; their esteem has been crushed and their ego belittled, and that’s okay. But who did that to them? And why did they do it? Who was this person that needed too much disciplining and shunning and belittling and tricking, just so that they would crumble in esteem and confidence? What did they do that was so bad, and who were they upsetting? I can understand this in a work environment, when someone totally takes over and thinks they can tell everyone else what to do. So, cynicism can show two things about a person. It can show that they think far too much of themselves, and they should be cut down to size; they pretend to be humble and non-deserving so that others will praise them more out of empathy. Then, on the other hand, it can show that they have no belief in themselves at all, and don’t feel that they deserve anything more than what they have. Why should their dream come true when other’s don’t – why should they get to travel in an RV through Australia when there are thousands of kids starving on the side of the road? So, being cynical is not a good thing. Of all the emotions available to us, I would think it would be great if we could cancel that one out. It’s not going to help you or me. I would prefer for you to tell me exactly what you feel when I suggest something; always see that whatever I say is true – I am not trying to trick you, and I never will. I will never use reverse psychology for anything – certainly not as a way to find out how deep your emotions really go. That’s trickery. Don’t turn away my suggestions or advances due to self-doubt. And don’t feel you deserve them either, because you already have the best of everything; a lot more than others have, that’s for sure. Just be you and I’ll be me – no tricks. Well, I’m not quite sure if you’ll understand what I’ve written now, but I needed to explain it as simply as possible - that I am not going to trick you, and that I personally do not feel for you the same way you feel for me. When I say I love you, I mean it as a friend at the moment. Don’t think that you are the answer to my prayers, or that I would go to the end of the Earth for you, because I probably would not, and as much as you want to think that you are God’s gift to the world or to me, you are not. You are just my friend, and doubting that will only make you vengeful in the end, because you’ll end-up thinking you deserve more than what I can give, and then we’ll fight. I don’t know how to stay in the middle, either. I don’t know if I feel I deserve you and I’m a God and I’m getting rewarded for my good deeds in life, or if I’m just super-egotistical and feel I deserve only the best and should be rewarded for my efforts. What do you feel you deserve, and why do you think you deserve anything? Likewise, why would you feel you do not deserve something? Thinking of you, looking forward to your response. Hey, Love ~
It’s 4.30am and for some reason I have woken-up from a dream that I can’t quite fathom. Maybe if I write down what I saw and felt, it will help to make it clearer to me – and maybe you could throw some ideas my way as well. The dream took place in what I can only imagine to be medieval times. I was a warrior for my tribe who was at war with another tribe. I had been trained to be a warrior from the first day I could walk, and I knew ‘what to do when’ to bring down an enemy. In the dream, a new soldier arrived in our ranks, but he would always stay at the back of the troop and would never look anyone in the eye when they spoke. He was very ‘guarded’ and also would never wash or bathe naked in-front of us – in-fact he would sit behind the trees out of sight when we bathed after a battle or even just as a way to start the day fresh. In the dream, a companion of mine asked the warrior, “Why are you so shy? Why don’t you speak with us, enjoy a keg of beer and be merry when the time for it arrives?” He would reply, “I am a trained warrior and I do not tangle my emotions. If there was a battle upfront and you needed to fight, it would not help if you were struggling with a hangover.” Of course, I thought this was a good answer although I never spoke to him about it; I just let him stick to his ‘sword’ because we did not have guns, of course. In the dream some months went by, and I then found myself on the riverbank behind the trees, wanting to take a dip in the water alone. As I stepped out from behind the tree, I saw the warrior who did not speak with us much. He was not a he at all, he was a she! I remember feeling overwhelmed, especially considering I had seen her fight before – wow. Anyhow, I grew courage and decided to ‘happen upon’ her – I walked to the water and stripped down. She stayed in the water so I would not see her body. I knew she would not step out for me to see, otherwise I’d know she was a woman. I decided to get clever and shouted, “Wolf, over there! Where are your clothes, comrade?” Instinctively she stood up, to see where the wolf was, thus exposing her naked ‘female’ body. I gasped, of course – she really was beautiful. As she looked around she suddenly realised what she had done, and so sunk back into the water again. “It’s okay,” I said, “your secret is safe with me, I won’t tell the others.” She then stepped out of the water, quite boldly so – “Look the other way!” she demanded. Which I did. Once she was dressed she spoke again – “So, do you think I’m worth less than a man?” “No, not at all,” I replied. “We could ride together, if you like?” I then offered. She did not have a friend in the world, it seemed. So, she simply nodded her head, mounted her horse, and onward we went without exchanging anymore words. In my dream more time passed, until we were on the brink of a major deciding battle. The day of battle was three days away and we were all training and preparing our defences – we were not attackers, we were defenders. That night we lay together in our tent – just two ‘men’ talking about defence tactics. Remember, no one else knew she was a woman. Soon we began to speak of our past and childhood, and it was not long before we realised we had a bond that was more than just verbal – and so we ended up making love in the tent. Because we were to be fighting in the same line of battle, we then agreed on something. We agreed that if one of us were to see the other about to be slain by an enemy, we would thrust our sword into them so that we die by ‘love and honour’ and not by humiliation from the enemy. We agreed on this, and we also agreed that we would not only end the other’s life, but we’d use the same sword to end ours as well. Indeed we had fallen in love and living without each other did not seem like any life worth living. She was, after all, the first woman I ever made love to. On the third day, the horn sounded and we lined up for battle. The enemy was atop the hill. The woman and I (I do not know a name for her in my dream) decided we would advance, but then we would create a distraction for the enemy’s frontline men. We would charge ahead and then separate, left and right, knowing they would follow us, thus lessening the ‘good fighters’ on the enemy’s frontline. The battle began and we did as we said we would. But, when I looked back to see which direction she’d gone in, I saw she was being chased. Not only that, but she had lost a stirrup and was only secured to her horse with one, making it difficult for her to balance. I was being followed by three men. I looked across and saw she’d gone over the hill, into enemy territory. I managed to duck under some low lying trees, which saw two of the three enemies chasing me struck by branches, and thrown from their horses. The third became distracted by another warrior from my tribe, and left me to go on. All I could think about was the promise I’d made to my love, and I raced off in the direction she’d gone, hoping with all of my being that she was still okay. My heart shattered, though, and my rage grew so immense when I saw her horse run toward me without her. I scanned the land, only to see another horse at the foot of the forest. I could make out two figures, and so I raced over to them. I arrived just in time. The enemy had his word raised, about to strike down on her. She had broken her leg from falling when her horse refused to jump a stump. I never said a word. Instead I rode up behind them, jumped from my horse then drew my sword. She was on her knees, ready to take the enemy’s strike. Of course I wanted to save her, but then three enemies approached us from behind as well, which only spurred horrid cackling laughter from the soldier about to slay my woman. “Now?” I said softly as I stood behind her. “Yes,” she said, as she stretched her arms backwards and held onto my hips. Over the top of her head, I pulled my sword down, with her body pressed up on mine, and I thrust the sword over and through her chest – straight through hers and into mine. We collapsed on top of one another and we passed this way, as close as we could ever be, leaving the enemy to stupidly laugh – they certainly had no idea how deep our love was, and would not ever understand the significance of the trust we had for one another. I told her I would not lot her die at the hand of an enemy, and that without her there would be no point for me to be around – we kept our promise. I woke-up from this dream when we were together in a cloud of Nebula gas in Space – so deep in space that no one could find us. The cloud felt like cotton-wool, so soft, and little bursts of light that ran through the clouds would fill us with softness and warmth as we lay there together, looking out over the entire dark Universe, with nothing else left to do but hold one another and love one another. And then I woke-up. I do dream of ‘out there’ things from time to time, but his was different. To me the whole message was about trust – that when you are in love and you say you will be there to protect your mate and even die with them if necessary, you’ll do just that. I think this is the kind of trust I am looking for in life – that my mate won’t let me fall to actions or even thoughts of the enemy; that we both know that we will do whatever we can to be there for each other in the end, and that we will pass through to the next life together, even at the cost of our own life, if that’s what it takes to ensure that our lives do not become lost to any kind of enemy. I’m sure this dream could be analysed by dream-analysts! They’d have a field day with all the symbolism and metaphors! But, to me, it was about trust – that if you say you will be there for someone, that you do just that. I think this is the deepest kind of love anyone could ever find. While it was just a dream, I sit here awake now (it’s 5.30am already), and wonder if I will ever finally meet this woman, who – at first – would have me fooled into thinking she was something else (a man even), but life would give us the opportunity to reveal ourselves to each other, and when we realise the dynamic bond, it would be all that matters. So, do you consider yourself a dream-analyst? What do you think about the story, or am I going mad in the cold? Hah! I’m kind of glad we rather have ‘cyber wars’ these days instead of using weapons and dying, although there’s still the saying ‘sticks and stones’; I do feel that words can hurt so much these days, but I’m learning to practise ignorance to things that aim only to bring me down. I look for the positive and ignore the negative, and I stay out of harm’s way. Anyhow, I’m going to get the coffee going and take a quick shower. It will be light soon, and I want to get to planting my trees! I may even name them – I think I will name one of them after you as well. Looking forward to your response when you have a moment; if you want to reply to my story – if not, that’s fine, too. I know you’re busy. Thinking of you, loving you. Good morning, Love ~
I did not get much sleep last night, probably only around four hours. I woke-up at 4:00am and could not get back to sleep at first. Getting lost in the morning chorus from the birds, I was able to find some kind of balance and peace again, and I stretched my sleep-time by another hour. Still, it probably was not enough for this old man – and I’ve being doing far too much of this lately. I’d had a dream, even though I can’t remember really what it was all about. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. I remember there being some influential people around, although they were not influential to me – somehow I seemed to be sitting with these people; they were my people, and I didn’t even know why or what for. Anyhow, I guess that - in itself - is what kept me awake this morning; not knowing why I was where I was in my dream. They seemed supportive and calm, which was a pleasant feeling. Lying awake, I could not stop thinking about you. It’s as though I never want to sleep again, in case I miss an opportunity to see you in my mind or think of you, or wait for your call – I don’t want to miss you. I know I can’t make you come to me; it would be difficult for you having to leave your life behind. When I hear music, all the words are written for you, or you’ve written them for me. I feel as though I am part of some bigger picture that I don’t know much about yet; that we do belong together, but the timing was off in the past and now the Universe is doing what it can to keep us close; although the Universe seldom makes mistakes, so it’s possible we were meant to find each other at this time. Although it won’t be easy to be together, once we find a way I think it would be the beginning of a life that was written in our fate - before we knew we both even existed. This wave of emotion – I don’t want it to be imaginary or pretend, or even just ‘a wave that engulfs the Earth and the masses at this time’ - as waves filled with the debris of war usually do after traumatic worldly events. I feel selfish, wanting to have you all to myself. I don’t want to be one of many, although I’m trying my hardest to accept that I might have to share you – but I don’t want to. I don’t want to own you, I don’t want to hold you back from loving anyone you want to, or doing anything you want to. I can only offer you my love, which I’m pretty sure at this stage is to be found in a place I’ve never been; certainly I’m deeper in this feeling for you than I have been for anyone else. No, of course I’ve loved before – and of course each of those experiences has been unique and valuable in my life. But do you really think we are born to seven-billion people to only dedicate our life to one person? That makes no sense to me, and while I do agree to a Universal form of love that is uplifting and uniting and encouraging and secure, I also feel something deep within – something that, while I may have shared it with someone before, does not feel the same as it does now. I have been searching for one thing, and that one thing is the feeling of having discovered the other half of me. No, I don’t feel like laughing about it and clanking beer mugs together, and making it commercial and ‘just another’ fling or relationship that passes my time and makes me feel good that I’m alive - because I don’t think that living is at all worth it without having love. I can promise you my undivided attention for the rest of time. Well, I can say now that I can, but I am also realistic and understand that the human-being is naturally driven by emotions and thoughts of new adventures – wanderlust, but I would hope that we could actually explore the world and travel and experience our lust for new spaces and places together. How did I know that I would put out a message to outer-space and whoever is listening, and have it heard; a message that I’m ready to submit to the side of myself that has remained hidden from me since – I don’t know, because it feels as though I have been looking for you since the day I arrived here. Yes, others have come close but none of them made the effort to come to me. And that is unexplainable and somewhat unfathomable in my eyes, and I can’t wait to sip my whisky tonight and just drift into thoughts of you; you and me laughing and experiencing life’s gifts together. This is a dream in the ‘awake’ world, and it’s why I don’t want to sleep, because when I sleep you’re not there – although sometimes you are, but in my dreams I can’t feel. I don’t want to be greedy but on the other hand I do – I want to keep you all to myself, but I don’t want to control your future, I want it to be you choice. I know, again, that you can’t come to me now, but I’m going to make every effort to be with you soon. It feels like a movie; like I’m waiting for the tragic ending that always comes with such deep romance, but maybe this is just my luck – maybe I did something good at some point and now I get your love as a reward. That would be a simple conclusion and I would be able to get through everything thinking this – but then why does thinking of you keep me awake at 4.00am – and just about every other night since I’ve met you. What do I see for us? I see more than you can imagine. I might not have all of the dreams you do or the goals or even the same perceptions of the world, but I do love you. Am I going too fast for you, am I expecting too much – we’ve only just met but yet I see you and I have a history of feeling; in a sense that we somehow resonate and I think you finish my sentences. I smile because it feels good. I smile because it makes me feel warm – trying to pen down all of these feelings is not too easy for me, because I know that now I am rambling, but if I could spend the day declaring my feelings for you I would. But I also have work to do; I must keep reminding myself of this fact, at least. So, there you go – that’s how I feel and I don’t think those feelings are going to subside at any minute soon, or even any year soon, or even for the rest of my existence – and I just want to be your arms. I love you. Whatever you do today, know that I’m thinking of you and hope you accomplish everything you want to. I just want to know you’re happy at every turn, and if anything were to hurt that you would return to your thoughts of me, and know that the love I have for you could raise the Titanic! So, you’ll never run short. Speak soon, my Love. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight. |
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