Hey, you ~
I don’t mind being called Micky. Most of my friends call me that, and I know it’s just an abbreviation with no deeper meaning, so – sure, Micky is fine. So, if your Mom said that ‘it’s none of your business’ why they had so many kids, forgive me but that would lead me to think (if I were you) that there was a reason but I’m not to know about it – otherwise they probably would have said, “Because we wanted a big family and we love kids!” Strange they would not want to tell you. Yes, that’s the word that suits everything – ‘content’. I’ve always been happiest when I have just the right amount of everything. I never wanted to be super-wealthy. I know that it does not matter how much money you have - if you don’t have your health, having all the money in the world means nothing; I mean, you can’t go on adventures if you’re ill – heck, you can’t even go to the store if you’re ill. Yes, you can go to a good doctor if you have the right money, but in many cases you end-up becoming a cash-cow to them; they take your money and give you the easiest diagnosis, then if that doesn’t work you go back and get another, paying them each time. A friend of mine had cancer – she died earlier this year, actually. The issue was, she’d gone to the doctor with the same complaints for two years, each time he gave her a mild diagnosis. After the second year, the pain became too much and she went to the hospital instead. They put scopes in her and discovered she was in stage four cancer already – she only lived another two months. Had they discovered it sooner, she could have been treated – two years the cancer grew and each time the doctor told her it was IBS and nothing more. It’s heart-breaking. Sorry, didn’t mean to bring up a topic like that, but my point is that, yes, being content is all I want to be. The money I have is because I worked for it, not because I was greedy or side-winded others to get it – I engineered a good product and it sold; lucky me! The Babylonians basically invented the system of time. It was a numerical system that saw the days divided by multiples of 60. It helped them to know when shipments needed to be delivered and things like that. So, time as we know it does not really exist in any other form other than numerical. Take away the numbers and all we have is night and day. It’s a helpful system, but it doesn’t really exist. It’s funny that you say your efforts in this life determine what happens to you in the next, until you reach a state of Nirvana. That’s kind of what I meant yesterday in my letter – we always have this ‘things will get better’ perception, even if we have to wait for the next life. Nirvana I suppose is like Heaven, but you can live Heaven on Earth – it’s all in how you perceive life. If you perceive all to be good it will be. If you perceive it to be full of turmoil and difficult it will be. So, basically, what I’m trying to do these days is tell myself that everything just ‘is’ – that there is no Heaven of Nirvana, or whatever name other cultures might call it; that if we can’t reach true happiness and contentment in this life, there is nothing to say we will reach it in our next, no matter what we sacrifice in this one, or how many struggles we put ourselves through. There’s ‘the carrot on a stick’ thing again, and I’m pretty sure ideologies like that were created to keep us acting on our best behaviour. While that’s fine – it’s good to always be on your best behaviour. I don’t like the idea of anyone or anything judging me. If it were so, I’d protest and say, “Hey, God, you didn’t provide a manual for life, so how was I to know what the ‘prefect’ behaviour is?” It would not be fair, in my view, to live a life always trying to be ‘good’ just so that you can get into Heaven. It makes no sense. Why not just be good now and you’ll see life can be pretty awesome without having to die and wait to enter the next. I really am getting to a point where I’m letting go of all beliefs to do with spirituality and penance and all that. I just want to be happy like an animal; watch out for predators, make sure I have food and water, and then find a mate – I’d be monogamous, for sure, like a Penguin – I guess! Really, I’m done with all these philosophies. All of them are based on ‘if you’re good you can have such-and-such’ in the future; always ‘in the future’, like a carrot on a stick, chasing that perfect ‘goodness’ in hope God will give us a pass. I’m tired of all that, to tell the truth. ‘Heal thyself, harm none’ is the only motto I want to live by now. Yes, intimacy is lot more than sex, of course. It’s in the talking as well, the soft whispers to each other; the caring acts of kindness, the putting yourself last so that others may get what they need. That’s what fathers do, or what they should do anyhow. I know I’m fine and that I have all I need, but when I give to others I feel good. I’ve not been touched in a while, besides the odd hug from old friends. I look forward to sharing affection with you. I look forward to holding you and stroking your hair as I kiss you on the top of your head. I look forward to holding hands as we walk along the beach, and to being with you – just knowing you’re there. Of course I think about sex once in a while, but I don’t have any feelings for it; it’s not something I fantasize about. I have some memories but that’s all they are. So, I don’t know how it will be if we ever get to that point; hopefully it will be beautiful, though. Funny, Bambi was one of my mother’s favourite movies. After she passed I watched it alone a few times; that and ‘Watership Down’. They’re both sad, I know, but they do remind me of how important it is to love those you’re with while they’re still with you. You say ‘warts and all’ – well, we could compare warts for fun, if you like! I’m smiling, too. I can be bull-headed and stubborn, but that was the old me. I think the new me just wants things to work out, and if there are other roads to happiness, I’m willing to explore them. I always thought there was only one way, but now I realise there are many. So, we can explore new roads together, and we’ll never think of each other as being ‘wrong’ – we would try out our ideas and if they work, so be it – if not, so be it, too – then we’ll find another way. So, yes, we will meet very soon and then we’ll know whether our ideas of each other were right. I’m pretty sure they are, from my side. I think your skin would be soft as silk; I think one touch would charge me and bring light into my blood and buoyancy in my breath – I think we would recharge each other, as we both need it at this stage in our lives. I so look forward to holding you, and I know you feel the same. Thinking of you, loving you.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Details
Author
|