Hey, Love ~
I hope you’re doing fine and that you had a good weekend. I’m doing good, and there’s a lot I need to get through this week. But before I get to that, I want to tell you about an experience I had yesterday, because I think it’s relevant to relationships; an area of life you and I are both exploring. I was at a restaurant and alongside me was a young couple who, at first, looked to be happy but after a while I noticed a frown begin to form on her face. I was not looking at her but she was sitting directly opposite me, and every time I looked up there she was. Her partner was next to her, so I could see him, too. I tried to mind my own business, but she began talking a little more loudly and, although she felt a little embarrassed about it, she could not seem to control what she was feeling. She kept leaning back in her chair, as though she was trying to avoid the situation or, at least, she did not believe the situation. He was trying to tell her about some plan for the future; mostly what I overheard was him talking about having kids. But he would laugh every now and again, to which she would frown. He’d then lean up to her with a smile and she would shy away, a little coy, but also seemingly untrusting of the situation. No matter how I tried to tune out, everything she said filtered through to me – I would’ve looked like a fool stuffing pieces of tissue in my ears. Anyway, what she was saying really opened my eyes. While her partner was trying to speak about a future together, she seemingly did not want to hear it. She began expressing cynicism, in the sense that she just didn’t see what he was saying. Every time he said something that, to me, sounded good she would comment back in the negative. He said, “We could get ourselves a place in San Francisco; a three bedroomed place, so that we’d have a nursery when our little one is born.” She replied by saying, “Yeah, because I’m going to crank out ten of them, so we should probably find a bunch of boxes to make beds for them,” then she’d laugh sarcastically. He then said, “We can paint the place turquoise blue, and if it’s a girl we can paint it pink.” She responded by saying, “You could just throw the colours together and make it purple! And I’ll paint it myself after a glass of wine, then we’ll really see all the colours come through!” And she’d laugh again. He began feeling despondent, but continued trying. This went on for around ten minutes, until he stood up and walked away. She sat there staring out the window, as though she’d forgotten she was in a restaurant at all. What I saw through it all was that he was trying to convince her of something that he felt would be great for them, but she did not want to believe any of it. Every time he said something that was good and hopeful, she would say something back that would diminish the attempt he’d made. I did not pry, and eventually had to get on with my day as well. I kind of felt for the guy; with his head in his hands, he was trying to basically tell her how much he loved her, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but she took it all as one big joke. I began to think of how similar this was to a scenario I found myself in once, with another two of my friends. We were at a barbeque with other friends. I was not with anyone at the time – I was alone but with them, if that makes sense. Anyhow, he was talking to her about how good she was at her job; that she would make it big someday. He began telling the person alongside him about how well she had done on a project that had seen her company profit almost double. I’m not sure exactly what her expression showed, but I interpreted it to be one of doubt and also a little embarrassment. She told him to stop, and said that she really had not done anything too great; anyone could have done it, and then she said she saw no way that she would ever be promoted because she was not that good at what she did. It sounded a little like Imposter Syndrome, now that I think of it. He ploughed right into her, telling her how she needs to believe in herself. She then told him that she did believe in herself, but there was more chance of her jumping from a plane without a parachute than there was of her getting promoted. Everything he said good about her, she just down-played it and would top it off with sarcasm. Then there was another time, when a different friend of mine with a similar future goal of travelling through Africa in a RV, asked the girl he’d been dating for almost two years if she wanted to take the journey with him. I remember her laugh, it was like a witch’s – she literally cackled. “Are you kidding me? You must be joking. You can’t be serious.” Then she began making jokes about it, too. He was a little confused – why was she making jokes about it? He then stepped away for a little while, and her friend began speaking to her about it, asking her what her problem was. She said she didn’t have a problem, but she was in no mood to get her hopes up about something that she knew was not going to happen – it was too good to be true. Her friend asked her why she didn’t believe it, why was she being so cynical. She said she wasn’t being cynical, that she was being realistic. Ah – that’s the word that cripples so many people in life. The idea of being ‘realistic’ over acceptance or even consideration for the possibility that life could be a huge adventure. What is ‘realistic’ anyway? What if I told you that I was going to pick you up and take you on a trip through Australia? What would you say? You’d laugh, right, and say it can’t possibly be true. And in doing so you’d develop a kind of sarcasm that would shield you from the feelings you would have if it was really a ‘realistic’ possibility. I totally understand how difficult it is believing in something that seems impossible. You think it could not possibly happen to you, and there are many reasons that you come up with as well, as to why it could never happen; you say that you simply don’t deserve something that wonderful happening to you, or you say that someone is teasing you or making fun of you, just to see your reaction. Or you think that even if it did work, your intentions are not in line with the possibility, in terms of your not deserving it, because you’re not feeling real love for the person who wants you to travel with them – you even put your own dreams and inner feelings aside when the possibility is presented, just so that you don’t get your hopes up and heart broken. You put every negative in-front of the positive, as a way to save yourself the embarrassment or the ‘You wish!’ that usually comes the moment you agree to what’s been suggested - you don’t want to become excited about it. Or, you pre-determine that it’s a trick, and you’ve done this for most of your life, and it becomes a loop that you can’t get out of; people have tricked you since you were a kid. Although it helps you and protects you, it also sends confusing signals to the one who does really want to do those things with you. They’re giving you their all, and you’re backing away in fear that what you’re getting from them is just not true, or it’s a trick – either way you just doubt it and make sarcastic jokes about it. I don’t think being cynical helps anyone too much, but I do understand how it helps the one being cynical; they place a shield in-front of themselves that keeps them safe in that little corner of their mind, while they think that they could never really be what another person wants or that they don’t deserve what’s being offered; that it must all be a joke. On the other hand you get people who think far too much of themselves, and they presume that they do deserve those things. However, in the back of their mind, they also think that maybe the Gods don’t think they do, or even their peers. They kind of pat themselves on the back personally, saying, “Yes, I do deserve that,” when in fact they don’t. And, yes, there are people who take too much from others – they believe the world owes them something. So, being cynical is a defence mechanism, sure – for those who are so used to being tricked and teased that anything that hints at their receiving what they deserve becomes a joke to them. Some people also believe that they don’t deserve those good things because they already have everything they need, and to ask for anything further would be selfish and greedy. So, throughout all of this confusion, the one who develops cynicism is either totally self-absorbed and arrogant, believing that they certainly do deserve what they would get, but in a sense of entitlement rather than as a gifted gesture, and through their presenting the expression that it’s a ‘stupid idea’ and ‘it could not possibly happen to them’, they avoid the embarrassment of being told, “You’re quite right, you arrogant bitch, you don’t deserve it – but it was really fun seeing you get all excited about it, then watching fall into a pit of despair when you realise it was all just a joke. At least you showed us just how big your ego is, and we now know you don’t deserve any of it.” Now, someone who believes in themselves would take this as advice, and they would learn to be a little more humble; perhaps submit once in a while to what their peers ask of them – learn that they do not have all the answers and that they are nowhere near as ‘good’ or worthy as that they think they are. But at what point does the individual who understands this about themselves begin to once again think that they might deserve something so good. Yes, they have accepted that they are too big for their boots; they have been put in their place and they no longer think so much of themselves; their esteem has been crushed and their ego belittled, and that’s okay. But who did that to them? And why did they do it? Who was this person that needed too much disciplining and shunning and belittling and tricking, just so that they would crumble in esteem and confidence? What did they do that was so bad, and who were they upsetting? I can understand this in a work environment, when someone totally takes over and thinks they can tell everyone else what to do. So, cynicism can show two things about a person. It can show that they think far too much of themselves, and they should be cut down to size; they pretend to be humble and non-deserving so that others will praise them more out of empathy. Then, on the other hand, it can show that they have no belief in themselves at all, and don’t feel that they deserve anything more than what they have. Why should their dream come true when other’s don’t – why should they get to travel in an RV through Australia when there are thousands of kids starving on the side of the road? So, being cynical is not a good thing. Of all the emotions available to us, I would think it would be great if we could cancel that one out. It’s not going to help you or me. I would prefer for you to tell me exactly what you feel when I suggest something; always see that whatever I say is true – I am not trying to trick you, and I never will. I will never use reverse psychology for anything – certainly not as a way to find out how deep your emotions really go. That’s trickery. Don’t turn away my suggestions or advances due to self-doubt. And don’t feel you deserve them either, because you already have the best of everything; a lot more than others have, that’s for sure. Just be you and I’ll be me – no tricks. Well, I’m not quite sure if you’ll understand what I’ve written now, but I needed to explain it as simply as possible - that I am not going to trick you, and that I personally do not feel for you the same way you feel for me. When I say I love you, I mean it as a friend at the moment. Don’t think that you are the answer to my prayers, or that I would go to the end of the Earth for you, because I probably would not, and as much as you want to think that you are God’s gift to the world or to me, you are not. You are just my friend, and doubting that will only make you vengeful in the end, because you’ll end-up thinking you deserve more than what I can give, and then we’ll fight. I don’t know how to stay in the middle, either. I don’t know if I feel I deserve you and I’m a God and I’m getting rewarded for my good deeds in life, or if I’m just super-egotistical and feel I deserve only the best and should be rewarded for my efforts. What do you feel you deserve, and why do you think you deserve anything? Likewise, why would you feel you do not deserve something? Thinking of you, looking forward to your response.
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