Good morning, Love ~
I did not get much sleep last night, probably only around four hours. I woke-up at 4:00am and could not get back to sleep at first. Getting lost in the morning chorus from the birds, I was able to find some kind of balance and peace again, and I stretched my sleep-time by another hour. Still, it probably was not enough for this old man – and I’ve being doing far too much of this lately. I’d had a dream, even though I can’t remember really what it was all about. I’ve been dreaming a lot lately. I remember there being some influential people around, although they were not influential to me – somehow I seemed to be sitting with these people; they were my people, and I didn’t even know why or what for. Anyhow, I guess that - in itself - is what kept me awake this morning; not knowing why I was where I was in my dream. They seemed supportive and calm, which was a pleasant feeling. Lying awake, I could not stop thinking about you. It’s as though I never want to sleep again, in case I miss an opportunity to see you in my mind or think of you, or wait for your call – I don’t want to miss you. I know I can’t make you come to me; it would be difficult for you having to leave your life behind. When I hear music, all the words are written for you, or you’ve written them for me. I feel as though I am part of some bigger picture that I don’t know much about yet; that we do belong together, but the timing was off in the past and now the Universe is doing what it can to keep us close; although the Universe seldom makes mistakes, so it’s possible we were meant to find each other at this time. Although it won’t be easy to be together, once we find a way I think it would be the beginning of a life that was written in our fate - before we knew we both even existed. This wave of emotion – I don’t want it to be imaginary or pretend, or even just ‘a wave that engulfs the Earth and the masses at this time’ - as waves filled with the debris of war usually do after traumatic worldly events. I feel selfish, wanting to have you all to myself. I don’t want to be one of many, although I’m trying my hardest to accept that I might have to share you – but I don’t want to. I don’t want to own you, I don’t want to hold you back from loving anyone you want to, or doing anything you want to. I can only offer you my love, which I’m pretty sure at this stage is to be found in a place I’ve never been; certainly I’m deeper in this feeling for you than I have been for anyone else. No, of course I’ve loved before – and of course each of those experiences has been unique and valuable in my life. But do you really think we are born to seven-billion people to only dedicate our life to one person? That makes no sense to me, and while I do agree to a Universal form of love that is uplifting and uniting and encouraging and secure, I also feel something deep within – something that, while I may have shared it with someone before, does not feel the same as it does now. I have been searching for one thing, and that one thing is the feeling of having discovered the other half of me. No, I don’t feel like laughing about it and clanking beer mugs together, and making it commercial and ‘just another’ fling or relationship that passes my time and makes me feel good that I’m alive - because I don’t think that living is at all worth it without having love. I can promise you my undivided attention for the rest of time. Well, I can say now that I can, but I am also realistic and understand that the human-being is naturally driven by emotions and thoughts of new adventures – wanderlust, but I would hope that we could actually explore the world and travel and experience our lust for new spaces and places together. How did I know that I would put out a message to outer-space and whoever is listening, and have it heard; a message that I’m ready to submit to the side of myself that has remained hidden from me since – I don’t know, because it feels as though I have been looking for you since the day I arrived here. Yes, others have come close but none of them made the effort to come to me. And that is unexplainable and somewhat unfathomable in my eyes, and I can’t wait to sip my whisky tonight and just drift into thoughts of you; you and me laughing and experiencing life’s gifts together. This is a dream in the ‘awake’ world, and it’s why I don’t want to sleep, because when I sleep you’re not there – although sometimes you are, but in my dreams I can’t feel. I don’t want to be greedy but on the other hand I do – I want to keep you all to myself, but I don’t want to control your future, I want it to be you choice. I know, again, that you can’t come to me now, but I’m going to make every effort to be with you soon. It feels like a movie; like I’m waiting for the tragic ending that always comes with such deep romance, but maybe this is just my luck – maybe I did something good at some point and now I get your love as a reward. That would be a simple conclusion and I would be able to get through everything thinking this – but then why does thinking of you keep me awake at 4.00am – and just about every other night since I’ve met you. What do I see for us? I see more than you can imagine. I might not have all of the dreams you do or the goals or even the same perceptions of the world, but I do love you. Am I going too fast for you, am I expecting too much – we’ve only just met but yet I see you and I have a history of feeling; in a sense that we somehow resonate and I think you finish my sentences. I smile because it feels good. I smile because it makes me feel warm – trying to pen down all of these feelings is not too easy for me, because I know that now I am rambling, but if I could spend the day declaring my feelings for you I would. But I also have work to do; I must keep reminding myself of this fact, at least. So, there you go – that’s how I feel and I don’t think those feelings are going to subside at any minute soon, or even any year soon, or even for the rest of my existence – and I just want to be your arms. I love you. Whatever you do today, know that I’m thinking of you and hope you accomplish everything you want to. I just want to know you’re happy at every turn, and if anything were to hurt that you would return to your thoughts of me, and know that the love I have for you could raise the Titanic! So, you’ll never run short. Speak soon, my Love. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight.
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