How Stress Affects Your Relationships And Productivity.
Picture this scenario: Sally is married. She works as a waitress at a local high-class diner, and her husband is a dentist. She earns less than a quarter of what he earns, but he says he really doesn't mind as long as she's happy. Sally was happy, but after watching a documentary on successful women she decided that she wanted to study further to become a lawyer. She did not have enough money herself to pay for the studies, so asked her husband if he would help her. He says, "Oh my dear, you are successful to me, you don't need to prove your success. You are a good mother and a wonderful wife. Why do you want to be a lawyer?" She tries to explain to him that being a waitress is not too much fun for her. He says, "Then why don’t you just quit?" She tries to tell him that she feels she should be doing something to bring monies into the home; that this was what she was raised to believe. She goes on to say that she feels she could be doing so much more. He tells her, "Oh my dear, I have all the money we need. Just quit your job and be a mother and wife." She tires to explain that she has a desire to want to be successful. He says, "But, you are. You can take yourself shopping to buy clothes that make you look successful if you like." She gasps and tells him, "That’s not what this about. I really want to make something of myself. I am intelligent." He says, "Yes, you are dear, but you're needed at home. How can you study to become a lawyer, which will take a great deal of your time, and still look after our child and the household?" Instantly she is offended that he sees her as a housewife. What will Sally do? In truth there are two sides to this story. Look at the possible causes of stress for Sally; causes she may 'think' are causes: - She feels the man she married does not support her. - She worries she will never 'become' successful. - She is offended by her husband's opinion of her. - She is frustrated by having to be at home, and by having to be a waitress (even though she could quit if she wanted to) serving food to the women she wishes she could be like. - She begins to resent household duties and chores, which may even cause a rift between her and her daughter. - A rift has inevitably formed between her and her husband, and she resents having to sleep next to him at night. Now let's look at the possible 'honest/true/rational' causes of stress for Sally here: - She was tired, and after watching the show on successful women, noticed a new grey hair or wrinkle and started to feel unattractive. She was raised to be self-sufficient and now feels that if she earns more she will become more attractive. - She has been surrounded by financially successful women for some time, as she serves them at the diner, and without even considering the stressors that may be apparent in their lives, thinks it would be fun to be one of them. - She automatically assumes that her husband sees her as a 'housewife', and was offended by this; when in essence all he was trying to tell her was that she is perfect as she is, and he couldn't ask for a better mother for his daughter. - She is bored of her life being the way it is. Sally would need to understand the truths behind her dilemma. She will need to understand the root causes of her stress. After all, she does have responsibilities when it comes to being a mother and wife. Unfortunately for Sally, these successes are seldom applauded by society. She has been influenced by society, and has turned a blind-eye to her current responsibilities. In this scenario, the best option would be to: - quit her job and appreciate early retirement, thanks to her husband! - take a look at the lives of the successful women she serves at the diner, and those she saw on the show, and find out just how happy they really are – or are they all on medication for stress? - spend quality time having fun with her daughter, who probably really needs a homely mother at this stage in her life. - appreciate her circumstances and realize how many women would love to be in her shoes. 4.1 – Relationships And Stress. In a relationship, when one individual feels that the demands of life are exceeding what they are capable of giving, it's not unusual for the other to take a beating. The stressed individual can also fall into depression which can be increasingly difficult for the partner to accept, whether due to their being saddened by it or even plain irritated with their partner's 'self-pity' attitude. When a stressed partner in a relationship becomes negative or angry on a frequent basis, this also puts tremendous strain on the relationship; on all the individuals involved. Regardless of the relationship type – individuals that spend a great deal of time together will need to understand one another – help each other to reduce the amount of stress experienced, by: - ensuring that they evaluate their causes of stress honestly, and then take the necessary steps to eliminate them, - ensuring that they both have healthy diets, - ensuring they both have enough time to relax and unwind, - helping one-another to talk their way through complicated issues, - spending time together exercising, - strengthening one-another by supporting each others' beliefs, - helping one another to rationalize when circumstances generate irrational responses, - basically never letting each other fall down. If the partner unaffected by stress is not prepared to assist the stressed partner; in all honesty the relationship should be terminated.
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Determining your needs, wants and dreams.
When you first decide to set a goal for yourself you will need to know what it is that motivates you to set the goal in the first place. Goals can be set according to needs, wants or dreams: "Am I setting this goal to fulfill a need? Am I setting this goal to obtain something I want? Am I setting this goal to see my dreams become a reality?" In most cases folks that are unable to reach their goals, set their goals initially without considering the viability of the goal, the viability of the steps that need to be taken in order to reach it, and the importance of achieving the goal; how reaching it will ultimately affect their lives. For example; one man would like to own a large house; however, he only earns enough to pay for the small house he has at present, and provide education and food for his children. Realistically - unless he happens upon a windfall, or he is able to begin in a new line of work where his salary will be triple what it is at present, his chances of ever owning a large house are slim. Therefore, trying to set goals that will render him the owner of a large house would be pointless unless he is prepared to make drastic changes to his scenario. He would be setting goals that are not viable – unachievable at present. Waiting for a windfall would not require him to set any goals at all. He can, however, choose to improve his financial situation by beginning in a new line of work. Hence, the goal setting begins. All of his short term goals would be centered on his 'dream' of owning his own large house – which would ultimately become his long term goal. You may say; why is this a 'dream' and not a 'want'? A dream at first may seem as though it has little viability; the chances of it materializing or manifesting are slim, especially if this is dependent on outside influences and circumstances. The base for the man's feelings for his dream can be likened to a 'want' – yes. He wants to own a large house, but it's more than that. Dreams make us extremely happy. If they didn’t they would be called 'nightmares'. Another difference is that even though getting what we want can make us extremely happy too, obtaining your wants can happen in the short term, while dreams can usually only ever happen in the long term. A dream is also nearly always based on a longing, whereas wants are usually easier to obtain. Wants are also often based on impulsive decisions, or decisions that will only fulfill a desire now. There are nearly always definable steps that can be taken in order to get what you want, and getting what you want is usually always possible. If there is a substantial element of doubt – it can be termed a dream. Therefore, the major difference between a dream and a want is the viability or 'chances of' the desired outcome ever materializing or manifesting. Another difference between wants and dreams is that sooner or later a 'want' is either granted or denied, and then the wanting ends definitely. Dreams on the other hand can linger and never be put aside. Frustration is a major disease when it comes to setting goals where need, wants and dreams are concerned, mostly because if one has a dream and wants to reach it but they can barely fulfill their present needs, they may turn to blaming the world, or may turn inward and begin to feel as though they will or have failed. This is where the individual has to be rational, logical, practical and realistic – put the dream aside for a while and concentrate on what's important for the now. That's the great thing about dreams remember, they are always for the long term, and don't need to be rushed into. In summary - needs are the things that we as humans require to survive. On a very basic level this includes food, water, shelter, education and medical care too. These are physical, however. Emotional needs, which are also important, are covered in more depth in the following chapter. You can determine your needs by simply taking a look at what it is you need in order to survive, devoid of luxuries and tainting pleasures. Once you have determined your needs, and are able to determine whether or not these are obtainable, you can then take a look at your wants. Wants are things that we desire to have, things that we don’t necessarily need in order to survive. Your wants could be a new car, a great pair of sunglasses, a holiday to Mauritius, or to be a well-paid artist. Aspects like these are not needs required for survival. However, the last 'want' in the above sentence could have started out as a dream. Perhaps at the time the dream was created you were more interested in becoming a well-known or famous artist, rather than a well-paid one. Dreams are thoughts or images in your mind that you may turn to when you begin to wonder how life 'could' be if you lived in abundance in all areas of life. It's not too difficult to determine whether or not a goal is based on a need, want or a dream, in fact all you will need to do is be honest with yourself; knowing what you are and are not capable of accomplishing, and by living moralistically; knowing what is right and what is wrong. |
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