2.1 - Remembering your first disagreement.
The importance is not so much in the disagreement itself, but rather in how it started and the conclusion to the disagreement. The first disagreement you ever had was the foundation upon which your problem solving methods as a couple were built. If you can think back to how your disagreements used to start, you may be able to notice a sign pointing to a reason for your incompatibility. Most of society will tell you that 'couples always argue' and media depicts arguing as standard behavior among couples. I'm not sure why, because it certainly isn’t necessary. The first factor to be noted here is that there will come a time in any relationship where the two involved will see things a little differently. To breeze through a relationship for longer than five years without having a difference of opinion would be difficult. The reason for this is that if two individuals have grown up in similar realities, the individuals in the relationship may very well see things similarly. However, if they grew up in entirely separate realities, they will have undoubtedly formulated their own answers and opinions and these may sometimes clash, regardless of how strong the actual chemistry between the individuals may be. Your first disagreement may simply have been a passionate mutual discussion or debate. No-one was hurt and you both got to keep your points of view without disgruntling the other. Or, your first disagreement was horrible; you both threw your toys out the cot, then fell out the cot, and then blamed each other for it. Finally, your first disagreement may have been completely one-sided; your partner took his/her frustrations out on you for no apparent reason. To him/her there was a reason, but it wasn’t a reason you could see. The key here is your reaction to your first disagreement. Were there any apologies? Did it end with a rational explanation? Did anyone get hurt physically or emotionally? Did the disagreement serve a purpose or was it a complete waste of time? Did you manage to get your point across or were you silenced? Did your partner cower away and resort to agreeing with everything you say? And, finally – was the argument worth it? Your first question to answer: How did you feel after your first disagreement? Whatever you felt became the foundation for any power struggles you had with each other after that. This is why it is so important not to argue. Debates usually just require one to reveal their point of view, without actually attacking those listening. Power struggles can lead to disputes based on vengeance, resentment and bitterness, and these battles usually lead to wars where a victor wins and the loser falls. Trust is lost and the relationship now becomes based on something other than love… in which case there will come a time when one of the individuals in the partnership will start searching for true love again, because it is lost in the existing relationship… and so the ball starts to roll. 2.2 - Remembering your differences. Some relationships work very well for while because both individuals are as different as they are from one another. A relationship like this works because both individuals get the opportunity to satisfy their curiosity regarding their somewhat opposite personality types. However, how long can a relationship like this last? How long can each individual overlook the differences of the other, after they have discovered all they need to know about the individual's type of personality? It won't be long before both individuals start to search once more… for someone a little more like themselves. Couples who spend most of their time together or live together will discover each others differences long before a couple that see one another only every few days will. Sometimes it can be a good thing to keep distance in a relationship; however, when you're in love, spending every waking moment with your partner is all you want to do. This is understandable. As you begin to live together, you begin to notice your differences. He likes this, she likes that. You discover that there really are only a handful of activities that you both enjoy doing together. You discover the side of your partner that you never knew was there. For example, when you first met, he/she was always so clean and tidy in appearance. After living together for a week he/she shows no sign of wanting to clean up after him/herself. You ask him/her to pickup after him/herself, and he/she turns around and says, "This is my house too. I'll pickup my things when I want to. That's how I did things when I lived alone." You are left with the options of living in a sloppy environment, or forcing him/her to pick his/her things up which ultimately leads to a dispute. If your partner truly loves you, he/she will want you to be happy, but this must be two-sided. You must want to do things that keep your partner happy too. Most of the time relationships end due to this simple issue being overlooked. If living together does not work out, but you enjoy each others company, you could choose to live apart and see each other for fun. However, this does not guarantee a life-long relationship… or it might! Alternately, if its 'happily ever after' you seek; unless both of you are willing to make changes to the way you live, things may not be a bed of roses, in which case – what's the point unless its for convenience. You shouldn’t need to change your personality in any way in order to live with your partner. This is not a part of the picture. Couples that live together harmoniously do so because they are 100% compatible from the start. Don’t bother yourself with thoughts like, 'Maybe I should just change this part of myself for him/her', because if you make the change and it is not respected and appreciated, you may very well end up feeling bitter about having put so much effort into making the change, at your own expense… for nothing. Your second question to answer: How many times during a day did your differences manifest as issues that lead to disagreements that couldn’t be solved with rationality and logic? If your intention is to have a partner that you can argue with as often as necessary, then differing in opinion more often than not won't be bad for you. However, others that look for true love know that true love is harmonious in essence. Disputes and disagreements, although some may eventually lead to harmony, are the complete opposite. On the other hand - debates, interesting conversation, and sharing points of view from both sides of a story without placing your partner in the line of fire can also be fun. If you used to argue without peaceful solution more than four times a week, perhaps the relationship really wasn’t worth it.
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